I'm Alive
by FlamingDranzer
Summary: Though Cloud had defeated Sephiroth, he is still chained to the darkness. He is stuck in a downward spiral of depression and selfdestruction. Everything dies, after all.


**I'm Alive**

**This story was inspired by the song "I'm Alive" by the band Disturbed. I wish plot bunnies would quit attacking me...**

**Warning: Talk of suicide, language, references to cutting, smoking**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy VII, or anything related. I do own the plot, but not the song "I'm Alive" by Disturbed.**

**  
****Chapter 1: The Angst Reign**

People disgust me. They are so forgetful, so corrupted. I wonder if they remember me, after all this time passed? I doubt they remember me, no matter what they say. People lie. They're greedy little bastards. I hate them.

I'm not too innocent myself. I disgust myself. I'm so forgetful. I'm so corrupted. I hardly remembered any of them. I lie to them. I'm a greedy little bastard. I hate myself. I do nothing but observe them now.

I watch how Tifa serves countless alcoholic beverages to the citizens of Radiant Garden. Yuffie plays with the children; Squall trains the day away. Cid, like me, smokes several years off of his life everyday. Aerith just sighs at us and goes on cooking and cleaning, like a typical mother hen.

She's too caring. If I cared that much for others, I would be dead. I would end up bringing them into my strife. And for such innocent little people, that would be cruel. But they haven't seen cruelty until they've seen Sephiroth.

I saw where he used to live. Vincent's cloak was in a display case, as if it were some cheap antique. Nanaki's red pelt was attached to the wall. Barret's gun was in a display case, much like Vincent's cloak.

His living quarters reeked of blood and death. He was the devil.

Well, was. I killed him.

Now I've taken on the role.

I left Radiant Garden that day, not too much longer after the major Heartless invasion. I played my part and left. I wasn't needed there as much as I was needed where he was. He was the light, and I was the darkness, always tagging along unwillingly. In fact, even though I killed him, I'm still the darkness.

I am sitting on my twin sized bed in my little bedroom that lay within my cozy little apartment. I sigh as the thoughts began to flood over me like too much rain floods a river.

I stay inside nowadays. When I go outside, people give me strange looks. If they don't see my scars, they usually are shocked just because the once great Cloud Strife is smoking a cigarette while walking down a crowded street.

I don't love smoking. I don't love anything anymore. It is a weakness that will get me killed. It was love that got me into the battles with Sephiroth. I was a fool for fighting those worthless battles.

That same old bloody knife lies on the little end table by my bed. My knife is always there when he isn't visiting my blood vessels beneath my skin.

Today would be a wonderful day to die.

The thought inspires me, causing me to stand up slowly. My muscles don't want to, but work to lift my weight regardless. I don't see why they would have such a problem anyway, seeing as my weight dropped 20 pounds after I began smoking. Hey, 20 pounds less for them to carry.

I close the door to my apartment, locking it for added protection. It's not like I had much to offer, anyway. I don't even have a fridge, or an oven, or a microwave. I don't have a computer, or a television. Hell, I hardly have any dishes. Aerith's been offering to get me some, but...

I order myself to shut up. Aerith's been in my thoughts a lot lately.

Speak of the devil.

I had to walk pass the old church to get to Merlin's house. At least if I got some work, and something happened, my death would look like an accident. I don't care for all the attention anyway. I don't want to be a statistic.

Outside the old church kneels Aerith, caring to her flowers. They're bright and colorful, just like her. She must be a living flower, I figure. Except she never wilts.

"Hi, Cloud."

How did she notice me? I must be at least 5 feet away...

"You were smoking again, weren't you?"

That explains it.

"I understand that I can't punish you for smoking. It's just...that I wish you didn't do it, is all."

My heart, that tainted little piece of shit, seemed to feed me some emotion. If I remember right, it was called sadness. I ignore it, and it goes away.

"..." I want to talk, but I need to think of the words. "Why would you be concerned about my health? It's not your problem."

"You're right, Cloud." She looks at me with sadness evident in her eyes. For a second, I thought that I should be nicer to her. But then she would become involved in my strife.

"So why do you worry, still?"

"You'll always be a friend of mine, no matter how much you change. And how good of a friend would I be if I didn't worry about you?"

"..." I was shocked. She considers me her friend...does that mean that she's my friend as well, automatically? Human culture is very confusing.

"I'm making steak tonight. Yuffie was helping me pick the broccoli, cauliflower and carrots you helped me plant. If you want to come over to Merlin's tonight, I'll make a plate for you."

Was this one of those situations where she wanted my input? "...I'll come."

At least I don't have to cook dinner tonight. I love Aerith's cooking anyway...

No! I don't love Aerith's cooking. I can't.

"Cloud?"

Her voice...her innocent voice...I can't stand it. I don't want her hurt.

So I turn and walk away. I don't say another word to her.

My feet carry me to the Dark Depths, if I remember right. This is where I last fought Sephiroth when he was on Radiant Garden. Sora was here. And so was Tifa. I wonder whatever happened to Sora.

I used to be like him, when I was younger. Innocent, hyper, ignorant of the pain around me. Then Radiant Garden fell to the Heartless. Sephiroth was there, just as innocent as the rest of us. He didn't summon the Heartless. He couldn't have. He didn't even have the Masamune then.

The town was ablaze, trapping most residents in. The Heartless used the fiery tomb to their advantage. We were all teenagers then, if I remember right. Except for Yuffie, because she's much younger than the rest of us. Almost like the little sister I never had. Vincent and Barret shot wildly at the Heartless, only to be crushed by a fierce dragon Heartless. Nanaki died horribly, too. Yuffie was about to be seized in the dragon's fierce grip. Nanaki pushed her out of the way and growled at the dragon. The dragon's grip ended up squeezing him to death.

I remember Squall and I, trying to protect ourselves. Aerith was using what little magic she knew to heal us and to destroy those evil creatures. Yuffie, although young, knew how to throw shurikens. Looking back, it's hard to believe that she was protecting us when our backs were turned.

Rinoa was there too. She was Squall's girlfriend. She was caring, sweet, almost like a princess. I remember listening to Squall talk to her over the phone for hours at a time, telling her how much that he loved her, how he wanted their relationship to never end.

Ironically, it was the next day when Radiant Garden was attacked.

Cid came to us when we were fighting and took us on his newly built Gummi Ship. Right before I started walking up the steps to get into the Gummi Ship, I was grabbed from behind by a Heartless. Squall, who was right in front of me, noticed something was wrong when he didn't hear my footsteps. He turned around and noticed me fighting the Heartless that were trying to drag me into oblivion with them. He extended his hand to me as I did the same to him. As Squall was about to grab my hand, the Heartless took me into Oblivion.

That was when, I assume, Squall led the others to Traverse Town. At the Olympus Coliseum, I made a deal with Hades. I don't remember the details anymore. It's been too many years. I was under that deal for years until I met Sora. He was so much like me that I couldn't help but feel overprotective. "I'm searching, too," he said.

"For your light? Don't lose sight of it," I replied.

Our eyes had met just for a second, but I already felt the burden he has on his shoulders...I wonder if he felt the burden?

"Sorry," I mumble as I bump into something hard. I look up slowly, only to find no one there. I look down, and there's Yuffie.

"You're funny, Cloud," she giggles, and I look at her strangely. I fail to see how I'm funny. Human nature sure is strange.

"Aw, come on Cloud! Lighten up!" She exclaims, tugging on my left arm.

"..."

"Cloud..."

"...O-kay..."

Yuffie giggles at this. She must think it's cute, like the animals in the pet shops.

"Cloudy! I have something to show you!"

She pulls me all the way to the Bailey. She points to something in the distance. I know what it is...it's the Castle. I think Ansem used to live there. But I can never forget that Ansem was the one who created the Heartless.

I've been numb lately. Maybe I'm a Heartless too, only to be destroyed by the hands of Sora and the Radiant Garden Restoration Committee. Or maybe, in the end, I'll be destroyed by myself. It's hard to tell, but I bet on the latter.

"Cloud...Cloud...Cloud..." I hear Yuffie chant. "Cloud, say something!"

"...Something."

"Smart-ass."

"Sounds like someone's been hanging around Cid again," comes from a dark corner of the Bailey. Out of the shadows steps my former best friend, Squall Leonhart. Or as he prefers, Leon Leonhart. Or if you're like Yuffie, you call him Leon Squallhart.

Leon nods at me, acknowledging my presence. I repeat the action back to him. My gaze instantly drops towards the floor as he stares at me, analyzing me as if I was nothing more than an experiment.

Perhaps we're all experiments, put here by some terrible god-like person, just to amuse. There are people like that here, so why wouldn't there be someone like that in lands above? I wouldn't put it out of the question, seeing as everything else here is so fucked up.

"Yuffie," Yuffie looks up at Leon, as if expecting something. "Aeris wants to see you. She says it's important."

"Okay. Bye Squally, bye Cloudy!"

"It's Leon."

She runs off, almost like a squirrel on crack. I must ask Aeris what exactly she puts in Yuffie's food.

"So..." Leon starts, walking over to where Yuffie once stood. "What exactly went on between you and Sephiroth?"

"..."

"It must've been bad. You're a completely different person, Cloud. You're hurting everyone that tries to help you. You know that show that just premiered the other night? The one about ShinRa? You're hurting us as much as ShinRa hurts the planet. Aeris has been worried sick about you, and you hardly say anything to her. Like a flower, she's starting to wither, but not because of the seasons or old age."

The anger that I have buried away for so long begins to rage. I'm not showing my rage to Leon, instead I'm choosing to redirect towards myself. To change myself, I'd rather die.

"Cloud..." he starts again, not willing to leave the subject alone:

"If you're not going to at least try and let go of the past, like I'm trying to, you're not welcome here anymore. Are you willing to let go of the past?"

"...No. I'm not," I reply coldly, leaving a startled Leon behind me as I walk away.

**&&&&&&&&&**

The weeks pass by slowly, even with everything that's going on. I've seen Aeris and the others in the last few weeks, but no one's been saying a word to me. Yuffie and Leon have been giving me glares. Tifa's been cracking her knuckles when she saw me. Cid, whom I saw the least, spit at me at every chance. Aeris hasn't said a word to me, but she hasn't tried anything else that the others did. She just looks at me for a second, then turns her gaze to back where it was.

I lost my job at the Restoration Committee, my only way of income. I had to sell everything I had just to pay the rent and get some cigarettes. I'm about to lose the apartment, even. No one here wants an employee that smokes during his break, or has odd scars traveling up his arms, or fresh wounds on the wrist. I've been doing everything in my power, but it's official.

I give up.

I remember breaking into Cid's Gummi Ship garage the other day. I stole one of his guns that he kept in case someone attacked. Luckily, the gun was loaded, so I didn't have to worry about ammunition.

Why do people like myself go to such extremes? Every time I thought about suicide, it usually was became of my emotional turmoil that I couldn't shake off. Looks like I'm always going to be facing crises all my life...

I reach for the gun, almost all strength drained from my body, as if lack of strength will prevent the bullet digging itself into my brain.

Suddenly, I hear a knock on the door. Growling, I quickly hide the gun within a closet. Normally, I'd hide it under my bed, but even that's gone now.

I walk quickly and silently towards the door, just like a wolf does with its prey. Though my arms are aching, I turn the doorknob slowly, almost angry at the person who decided he was important enough to distract me during suicide.

My anger disappears as I realize that it is Aeris who is at the door.

"May I come in?" she asks politely. There is no anger in her voice, but there is also no happiness. It was toneless and flat, a shadow of its former self.

I nod slowly, almost unwilling to let her see the condition of the room that I must live and die in.

She walks in, removing the old brown boots from her feet as she did so. She smiles at me before heading into what I used to call the living room.

"Sorry for the bad condition," I mumble, expecting her to not hear me.

"It's alright, Cloud," she replies, shocking me.

"Have you been making out alright?" she asks, gazing at the floor rather than my face.

"Just fine," I say coldly, half intent on getting her out of my room so I can attend to more important business. But what is this weird feeling in my chest?

"Do you want me to give you some of our old furniture?" she asks.

"No thanks. I'm not keeping the apartment for much longer anyway."

"Why? It's a nice place -"

"- That I can't afford."

I sit down, back to the wall, a knee brought to my chest, my arms wrapped around the leg as my head rests on the knee. "Aeris. No one lives in the slums because they want to. It's like a train. It can only go where its rails take it."

"It's very true, Cloud," Aeris says with sadness now evident in her voice. "But there's always a point on which the train can change tracks."

"Not here, there's not."

Aeris sighs before seeing something glitter under the closet door. She walks over towards the door with purpose. My eyes widen as she bends down and picks up the object. "Oh, what's this?" she asks, eyes widening slowly in horror.

She turns towards me, shocked. "Cloud, this is _Cid's_ gun. You...stole it?"

"You don't understand!" I shout, trying to ignore my fear.

"It all makes sense now," she says, almost as if she's detached from her body. "You were going to kill yourself, weren't you?"

I hold my tongue.

"Cloud, why would you do something like that!" she shouts, as if she's afraid of losing me.

"Cause I love you," I mutter, well below my breath so she doesn't hear me.

"Could you repeat that, Cloud?"

"Because I want to fucking kill myself!" I shout, angry at myself for feeling the one emotion I never want to feel.

Love.

"Cloud..." she says with a low voice, but it is not angry. It's almost if she's filled with some sort of regret.

"Cloud, I won't let you do it! The future is not only yours!" she blurts out, as if she was holding it in for a while.

I ignore her, to protect myself and to protect her. It will be easier this way.

I dash towards her, using the strength I acquired from my battles with Sephiroth. I forcefully grab the gun from her, pushing her down in the process.

I aim the gun towards my head.

"I'm Cloud, the master of my own illusionary world."

**&&&&&&&&&**

** Too much angst? I don't think so. Go ahead, send me a flame. Or maybe a review telling me how much you love it. Or maybe some constructive criticism. Did anyone notice the lines I took from the Final Fantasy VII script? Look carefully, they're there.**

**For the next chapter, following from Nymphetamine tradition, I want 3 reviews. If I get more than 3 reviews, then you'll need to review less to get chapter 3.**


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